The Dream of Eleuteria Kirschbaum

A year has already passed but it seems like only yesterday.

I am Eleuteria Duhaylungsod. I haven’t gotten used to it but, actually, my name is now Eleuteria Kirschbaum. My story began in Barangay Guindulman in Bohol. And continued at the Mactan International Airport.

When the plane I took landed in Kota Kinabalu in Malaysia, my heart nearly exploded from fear. For in my whole life I had never flown in a plane. Just that time.

It’s fortunate that we only stayed for twenty minutes in Kota Kinabalu so there was no need to leave my seat. Pastilan! I could not even unfasten my seatbelt right. I was almost terrified the moment the plane was about to take off. For neither do I, had the faintest idea how to fasten my seatbelt. Good that the American next to me helped. I was so embarrassed when he had to teach me how to fasten and unfasten the belt that is made of iron.What would I do if Hans failed to fetch me at the airport in Germany? I could only repeat pastilan.

Hans is the German guy I was about to marry. I was only joking with my cousin Merle when she came home to Guindulman, after three years of marriage to her penpal.

“Just give me a foreigner whom I can also marry so I can have a child like yours, very handsome!” I teased Merle.“

“OK, I’ll find you a husband so that I‘ll have a relative I can easily call on in Germany,” Merle said.

I didn’t expect it to come true. But when I received a letter from Hans, my dream, I must admit, also blossomed. The picture he sent me with his letter, I treasured it dearly. And after six months of writing each other, he asked me to work on my visa. I don’t know how many times I went back and forth to Cebu for my passport. How hard it was! What with my birth certificate that could no longer be found at the municipal hall? Was it eaten bit by bit by mice or termites perhaps? And when I finally got my passport, the fiancée visa was my next problem. The interview at the German embassy in Manila was definitely not easy. It was a good thing that someone from the travel agency preparing my documents went with me.

And Hans is perhaps marked on my palm. For, surprisingly, my visa was approved. I could perhaps almost reach my dream; to also help my parents and siblings who wallow in the bitterness of poverty in the Philippines. How wonderful it would have been if my brothers and sisters could finish college. And Nanay and Tatay, too, could finally live in a house with a roof that does not leak. Like the new house of Merle’s parents. Then they could also at least eat meat everyday.

"Fasten your seatbelts, please,” said the pretty stewardess walking back and forth in the plane.

This time, I was less afraid because I already understood her. In a short while, the same stewardess came back.

“Would you like fish in curry sauce and rice or beef rouladen with mashed potatoes Ma’am?”

“Fish, Ma’am” was my quick reply for I was not familiar with all the things she’s saying.

” How about wine, juice, coffee, or tea?

“Cokes, Ma’am” I replied.

Good that she didn’t ask anything else, for the curious American beside me was actually listening to us. After eating, I checked if the round sticker on my blue blouse was still there. Because when I checked-in at the airport in the city of Lapulapu, the woman pinned it on me in the counter.

“Just wait for the instructions of the stewardess so you won’t miss your connecting flight” the woman said.

Honestly, I was really scared of being stranded in a strange place. Hesus, Maria, kalawaton . . . what would I do then? I asked myself.

Before long, we arrived in Kuala Lumpur. The stewardess approached me and said, “Please stay in your seat until I come back for you” while looking at the sticker on my blouse. That was the reason why I stayed in the plane until almost no more passengers were left. There were only three of us in the plane and we were all Filipinas, all first-timers in flying. And all, standing in a foreign country too.

Vangie and Nerissa were also heading to Frankfurt, Germany. Like me, they were also hoping to better the life by marrying a foreigner. I was so happy that I finally have company. And the throbbing in my heart quieted down a little.

Like obedient lambs, the stewardess led us to gate 47 where the plane that would fly us to Germany would be taking off. We stayed for six hours in Kuala Lumpur. So we got the chance to know each other.

"My would-be husband, Peter, is 60 years old and I will be 22, in the following year, but it’s important to be practical nowadays,” Vangie said.

"There are 10 years between me and Markus but we really fell in love, though only through email and the phone,” Nerissa in turn said.

I did not join in that discussion because, honestly, love is actually not the reason for my marrying Hans. I was just really fed up with the hardship in the Philippines. Hans would be my savior from a life that has nowhere to go but poverty. Tatay has no real job and is a drunkard, too. Nanay is addicted to masiao and is always getting pregnant.

There are already twelve of us and I am the eldest. I am a graduate of the Guindulman Public High School and at 23 I have to help my family. I have really no plans of getting married to Kardo, a farmer or to Nestong, the tricycle driver. For I’m sure my life would never get better with either of them. Better not, please. Hopefully, I would be lucky with Hans!

The flight from Kuala Lumpur to Frankfurt took about eight hours. And the fear in my chest is constantly pounding. Not from fear of getting lost anymore but from the madness of this very new life that I am facing. The man I was about to marry, is a stranger. We hadn’t even met in person.

Sus! If only I can jump off the plane and fly back to the Philippines. But Nanay and Tatay had high hopes for me. They even bragged to our nosey neighbors that soon, I would be able to buy them a karaoke. It was perhaps this that gave me the courage to face this never-ending fear in my being.

It was exactly 7:45 in the morning when I arrived in Frankfurt. I did not have enough sleep for my mind was restless. Neither could I turn on the small television set in front of me. So, thoughts kept on whirling in my mind. Also, I had no one to talk to. Vangie and Nerissa were far away from where I was seated. And the guy next to me ignored me. How numb it felt, my sleeping legs.

Like what happened in Kuala Lumpur, the stewardess dragged us again. She brought us to the window of the immigration officer and instructed us how to pick up our suitcases. My nervous knees could no longer bear it. They were shaking harder when it was my turn at the window.

“Passport please. How long are you staying in Germany? Where are you going to stay?”

A gunfire of questions came from the police officer who showed at the window. There were probably no errors in the form I filled up in the plane. After I stammered my answers to his questions, he gave me back my passport. Like a criminal, I quickly turned away from him

“It would be nice if our places here are near, “ Vangie said “so we can still meet up”.“

“Right” Nerissa agreed while I could only nod, as we waited for our suitcases. And I took out Hans’ picture from my wallet- “I hope he is waiting for me.”

How big the airport in Frankfurt is! The surrounding was very clean. Even the wind that touched my face was also quite fresh. And though there were a lot of people, the place was unusually quiet. It had a foreign smell too. Like the scent of the bag Merle gave me when she visited us in Guindulman the year before.

In a short while, I saw someone beckoning at me. And that was the first time I saw my fiancé. Hans is, in fact, very fat. He did not send me a full-body picture of himself in the Philippines. But like a bird in a cage, I still married him.

He also can’t speak English well. And he doesn’t have a regular job. We are lucky to be staying in his mother’s house. So we don’t have to pay for rent, electricity or food. But what he gets as welfare compensation from their government is just enough to spend for his vices. Every day he consumes no less than five packs of cigarettes and ten bottles of Bitburger beer. And oftentimes he rides around with his friends on their big motorbikes. To think that gasoline is so expensive here. If one computes it in Philippine pesos, it would run to 200 pesos plus per liter.

The house where I live in Hundsangen is made of concrete. It is like a rich man’s house in Guindulman. What I eat is delicious, too. Compared to the camote tops and corn which Nanay usually prepares at home. Sometimes, I choke on the brötchen and bratwurst when I remember the emptiness of the table of my brothers and sisters at home. We also have our own car to drive through the wide autobahns for visits to Merle and her strict husband. So, I shouldn’t be feeling sad here.

But why is my heart very heavy? Perhaps because until now, I still don’t feel love for Hans. Or maybe it’s because of this giant loneliness that I feel everyday. How wonderful to recall my dream; the sea of Guindulman; barefoot while bathing under the grace of the heat of the sun and salty air. I also long for boiled green bananas dipped in ginamos-tugnos that we used to take with us to the beach on Sundays.

Possibly I’m just fed up for it is as though I am the only person staying in the house. I can’t talk with Hans’ mother since she can’t speak English. I avoid her instead. I don’t know why, that with all the houses and cars in this place, it is still very quiet around me. Sometimes, It seems like I’m the only living person in the whole world.

Or perhaps, it stems from the reason that until now, I still can’t speak fluent German. I can’t really talk seriously to anyone. I wonder how Vangie and Nerissa are doing now? We didn’t exchange telephone numbers since the three of us were all the same. We were all ignorant. It is also very expensive if I always use the phone here. Every time we talk over the phone, it is like taking a taxi. The meter ticks so fast.

Or perhaps the reason for this rattling in my chest is that a year has already passed and I still haven’t bought a karaoke set for my Nanay and Tatay.

MARIA VICTORIA BELTRAN

Originally in Cebuano, Ang Damgo Ni Eleuteria Kirschbaum
Translated by Jad Conde
Edited by Cora Almerino

WHEN THE MUSE TURNED AWAY

The flow of the river ceases
the wave stops in the middle of the sea
the falling leaf freezes in mid-air
the eagle's song is silent.

While my finger
that is on my laptop waiting
for my command, stops to think.

We are all wishing
for the visit of the fickle
muse of emptiness.

I lift my heart
so that I can hear the bell
I close my eyes
So I can see the glory
I offer gold
together with a prayer.

But there is nothing I can write
Only a poem
that sheds tears.


*Poem is translated from Cebuano " SA DIHANG NANGLUOD ANG MUSA"
Picture is from Pagbalik/Homecoming movie stills

AGAINST THE SMART CRAB

When dusk slowly creeps
you stop moping about

then you put on the crown
that you stole from the whale

and when the boastful
and noisy thunder sleeps

you dig on my sand
and collect shells from the sea

and when i climb the tree
of the ghost free coconut

you pull on my skirt
to lay bare my butt

watch out with your bite
you, smart crab

for later I will boil you
and I will suck your spirit too.

Poem is translated from Cebuano " BATOK SA BANGIITANG KASAG"

MARIA, THE MANANANGGAL

My name is Maria
and I am a manananggal
My father is a kapri
king of Mount Diwalwal
Each night I go to the disco
with my friend, the white lady
I like to go shopping
with the clogs-wearing-swine
And together, we dive in the ukay-ukay.

There is something I want to tell you
About my suitor, Leo Santilmo
Who turns red, orange and blue
when I don't tell him
where I hide myself.

While I listen to the story
and fly through the sky
with my Nanny.

MARIA VICTORIA BELTRAN

*
Manananggal- Philippine witch, she can divide her body into two; the upper half has wings while the lower half is left behind.
Kapri- A giant, hairy man, usually perched on the Balete tree, who is always smoking a tobacco
White lady- a lady in a flowing white gown who prowls at night
Ukay-ukay- old clothes sent to Philippines as donation but ends up in makeshift stalls and are sold very cheap.
Santilmo- a man made of fire, who has a habit of standing in the midle of the road at night.
clogs-wearing swine- anay nga nagbakya, this animal eats children who are still out at night.

YELLOW BAMBOO

Nineteen hundred and eighty six

when you planted the bamboo.

Our learned neighbor said-

it will not grow

that little branch,

it does not fit here

it will come to naught

since our soil is sand

and our water is salty.

The plant will surely die

for in the whole of Olango Island

nobody can make it sprout.

I guess, perhaps-

you were hard headed

or you were in love

with the sway of the bamboo

everytime Amihan blows

and the bird sings.

One night, it was full moon

when you planted

that little branch.

You gave her water

that is not salty, but fresh.

You nurtured her,

you gave everything

to the yellow bamboo

and not long after

The leaves appeared,

the plant prospered

and danced to the tune

of the Habagat

and to the whisper

of this heart

that you left behind.

*Amihan- Northeast Moonsoon
*Habagat- Southwest Moonsoon
Poem is translated from Cebuano "Dalag ang Kawayan"

Early in the Morning

The uneasy butterfly sleepwalks
The sun peeps behind the clouds
The sleeping Jasmine awakes
The hiding root emerges
The Anahaw* leaf dances
The stepping stones do not move
The moss in the garden laughs
The Tamsi* perches on the branch
The wily earthworm comes out
The shy Mimosa* opens up
The cold wind blows
in my face. He stirs
this soul that just
a couple of hours before,
dreamt of this all.

*Anahaw- Philipinne national leaf.
*Tamsi- a small bird found everywhere in the Philippines.
*Mimosa- plant whose leaf closes when touched by wind or hand.
Poem is translated from Cebuano " Sayo sa Kabuntagon*

IN SEARCH OF THE LAST ROMANTIC

While I read your poem
It suddenly came to me. To think
of the man who went away.


He who gave up the last
seat. He who clung
to the trisikad* just to
give my butt a space.

He who sent the letter
with the sweet tounge. Who plucked
the stars and the flowers of
Kangkong* and offered them to me.

He who did not call me
a whore. Reminisced
why i have become
a vendor of my
abused rice cake.

(Where is he?
because this heart
long stained. This heart needs
a savior against the cruel time.)

*trisikad is a Philippine public vehicle that is a contraption of a bicycle and a side car usually seen in the countryside, carrying 5 or more passengers, literally hanging on it.
*kangkong is a cheap Philippine vegetable with a white flower that does not last long in a flower vase; Philippine water spinach.

The painting "Faces of Maria" is by the author

MY BOOK

He sleeps in the mat
where I wander
through the night

He snores through my ears
while I listen
to his fears

He wakes up slowly
the itch in my brain;
It feels funny

He yawns in my face
tickles the seam
of the embroidered lace

that is dangling
in front of me
swims in my vast sea.

"Picture is my painting on a Philippine woven mat (banig)"

FLOWER WOMAN

Plucked
from the ribs
of Adam
You came to life
inside the node
of the bamboo
Molded
in the midst
of mud that
is made of gold

Maria, Magdalena
and Mary Ann

You grew
out of the mystery
of the seed
in the rain,
you opened
and swayed
with the wind

Hibiscus, Santan
and Jasmine

Beautiful is the maiden
at seventeen
like fireflies
in the month
of December
Behold!
the fire
of the tree
at Fuente-
Woman

Picture is the author's own painting and the poem is a translation from Cebuano "Babayeng Bulak" published in the book "Haling".

STORM IN A POETESS' LIFE

Every second a storm rages on
Here, inside my drawer
Where I keep the words
That spin around my head
Sometimes it's signal number one
And my brain just explodes
When it reaches number two
I puff on my tobacco
At times when it is number three
I shout with the raindrops
Number four, I scamper to my room
Number five, I'm screaming mad
And when it reaches number six
There is danger overhead
I would stop my fountain pen
From inflicting any pain
For I am scared of the raging storm
Of signal number seven-
When words drift with the wind
Through the concrete fence
And the tidal waves
Swallow all the rules
that try to stop
the outpour of my metaphors

*this poem is translated from Cebuano, "Bagyo sa Balaknong Kinabuhi"

WHEN I FINISH HIGHSCHOOL

WHEN I FINISH HIGHSCHOOL

Nanay
is pregnant again
There are now ten
siblings in our brood
Tatay is better
than a magician
He believes in God's call
to go out in the world
and multiply
Maybe the heavens
do not know
that there is no more
space in our barrio-
When the stomach
of our youngest one
turns sour
When the shopkeeper
comes to collect
I run to our neighbour
ashamed of this all
It's Okey-
When I reach highschool
I won't worry anymore
Since my best friend
has been telling me
when we finish highschool
we will stow away
to the big city
work on any job
so that I have something
to send to the forever
angry shopkeeper.

*Sculpture "Sorrow" is by the author and poem is translated from Cebuano "Inig-gradweyt Nako sa Haiskul"

WHEN I LEAVE

Switch off the lamp posts
that line
the laughing lane
of our road.
Switch on the radio
to close the conversation,
drown the cheers
that has long been gone.
Take the bottles
of wine from the table
and rip the tablecloth
that is still there.
Silence the dogs
in our yard
who are still waiting
for my footsteps.
Turn on the last song
and once again, wear the dress
that has seen our bliss.
Look for my words
when the sleeping dust
under our old bed, awakens
Forget the whispers
sprouting from sadness
And pour water
on the creeping fire
because the two of us
are now lost, in the thickets
of our jungle.
Fly away
together with the harvest
of all our nights
And don't forget-
Switch off the lights
of the lamp posts.

*picture is the author's own painting and poem is translated from Cebuano "Sa Akong Paglakaw"